Uncomfortable Silence (published in FIELDING. 2021 print, written in 2011)

She was only seven when she walked into that mess. On a chilled afternoon the girl trotted from the house towards the barn. With dad out of town it was necessary for the few outdoor chores to be completed by someone else. She liked the chores. Feeding, watering, petting, and talking to the horse was fun. She was young but she knew enough to be calm and quiet around the quarter horse in order to put it at ease.

She would climb the metal rungs of the indoor stable with an oversized bunch of hay and muscle it over the side. Often the horse would start nibbling the hay from her hand, leaning it’s bulging neck over the top rung and pulling clumps away. The first time this happened it frightened the girl. Was the pony going to bite her? But no, it was going for the straws and as it reached over it simply grazed her cheek, tickling her slightly.  

This wonderful memory came to mind as she crossed the lawn that afternoon. She could smell the musk of the horse, the dust of the hay, and the sour mud hardened from months of winter hooves plodding about. She thought of the outdoor water trough she would fill, in awe of the device sunk down inside which kept the water from frosting over in these winter months. She thought of the time when curiosity got the best of her and she knelt beside the salt block with the horse and licked it herself. The sting of salt was overwhelming.

Quickly these thoughts of the horse vanished as a new memory came to mind. Puppies. Just weeks before, dad’s hunting dog had given birth to a litter of six tiny, wrinkly things which chirped in a way that reminded her of chicks fresh from the egg. These little grey chubby balls roamed about the indoor kennel during this cold time, seeking heat from their mother. Funny little things, she thought of how they seemed incapable of walking or seeing. Their little eyelids barely opened. The image of the mother sprawled on her side as each one found a teat at which to suckle.

She thought that, though she loved seeing the puppies and feeding them, she disliked having to pry open the lid of the kennel. The kennel was as tall as her, with a doorway through the wall of the barn to the outside dog run where the family would spend their time in the warmer months, rolling and playing together. The lid of the kennel was very heavy and hard for the little girl to lift. What is more, when the mother dog heard the girl outside she would jump up within the kennel, pushing her head against the lid and bumping it open. This made it harder for the girl to open the heavy lid.

As close as she was to the barn, she would have normally heard the dog barking by now, excited that she would soon be fed. The puppies would be yapping away as well, excited because their mother was enlivened. The girl did not recognize this sound being absent, as her thoughts had now wandered to the night that the puppies were born. In the middle of the night her own mom had awoken her from sleep quietly and with the promise of a surprise.  

Half asleep, the girl had fallen out of bed and met her older brother coming from his room with the same look of sleep upon his face. They slowly put on their heavy coats and snow boots as mom urged them to hurry, a bright smile upon her face which had its own tired eyes. They left the warmth of their home and crossed through the snow and biting wind of mid-night towards the lone light streaming through the barn door. They walked inside to a gust of warm, strong air from within. Dad and his friend had been in the barn with the heater on all night, waiting for something.

The lid of the kennel was open and inside lay the mother on her side with six pink things splayed about her. After dark she had given birth in an ancient and mysterious way that the girl would not soon understand. Her father and his friend had great grins upon their faces as they told her that the puppy stork had come early. She was not allowed to touch them but spent some time in the warmth of the barn peering over the side of the kennel into the family below. The joy of the new addition to her own family embraced her stronger than her coat.

This memory faded now as she got to the barn door. As she opened it and stepped in she called out to the horse across the space within. She turned to the kennel and decided to tend to the mother and her pups first. With dad gone she knew this chore and she was happy to take this responsibility upon herself. Some time after he had left, the clip which held the lid of the kennel closed had gone missing. Not knowing what to do, her brother had shown her how to stack heavy items upon the closed lid to keep the mother from forcing it open. The dog had forced her way out before, and unable to get back in she had become frantic, unable to return to her cull.

As the girl walked towards the kennel she noticed that several items which had been resting upon the lid were now thrown about the ground. A large bucket of liquid had fallen on its side atop the lid, the contents oozing out and spreading towards the lip. Only now did she hear small but high-pitched whimpers from within. Startled by a sound she had not heard from the puppies she quickly removed the remaining objects from atop the kennel. As she began to lift she noticed it heavier than before. The sticky something from the bucket had sealed part of the crack and she had to push up harder to break up the glue.

What she saw within the kennel horrified her and took the voice from her throat. Instinctively, she dropped the lid closed with a crack so loud it scared the horse from the barn. Like a gunshot it echoed out into the field through which the horse fled. Gathering her strength again she pushed the lid back open. Within, the mother lay molded to the floor with her puppies strewn about her. The liquid from the bucket had fallen through the edges of the lid and down onto the concrete floor. The puppies were spread about, covered in the gunk which was sealing them down. 

She stared in horror at the site of the puppies covered in a glaze of the substance, each one prone in an unnatural state about the floor which was thick with the liquid. This goo had started to set up, with the dogs stuck about it. Their puppy paws could not be moved even as their bodies twisted and writhed. The mother had her eyes wide, though she herself was fastened to the floor.  It was clear that she had been in the process of licking the pups clean, and one still lay before her as she tried in vain to clear the gunk from it’s face.

At last the girl cried out. Like a hawk in the night she cried out, too scared to form words. A cry so long and shrill and terrifying as to be heard by mom and brother, and as far away as the neighbors down the road. She was confused and frightful, not knowing what to do. She forced the lid all the way to the wall, prying it open fully. She first reached in to the closest puppy but it could not be pulled from the floor. She tried to force up another but could not. Her gloves were now sticky and one clung to the glue on the floor, pulling free of her hand.

She was lost. Finally, tears came to her. Her body convulsed and shock was now replaced with a deep and endless sadness marked with heavy confusion. She had to get help. As she walked out the door mom and brother were running across the soggy early spring lawn towards her, horror reflected from her face to theirs. They asked her what was wrong, what was the matter, but her young mind could not process the words and her tears were overwhelming.

They looked first to her, fearing she was hurt in some manner. As they asked her if she was alright she nodded briskly and then shook her head fiercely and turned to the dark cavern of the barn. Her brother left the side of his mom and sister and stole into the building. His own scream of shock matched his little sister’s. Now mom left her as she slumped to the ground, overcome.  And then mom was crying uncontrollably. Each was inconsolable.

As if in reply to the humans, the chirps of the puppies grew louder. The frightened plea of the mother swelled from within. The girl sat in grief and wept at the images of the animals forced into their shocked state upon the ground. She wept as brother ran from the barn to fetch the veterinarian next door. She wept as mom went inside to call dad. She wept even longer as her dad’s friend arrived at the house and mom pulled her and brother inside.

Years from now she would understand. She would recall the fear she felt that day. She would remember peering outside as her dad’s friend left the barn with a grain sack in hand.  Confusion was eventually replaced with an awareness of what had occurred that evening and as she thought of this she would then reflect on other things which never were again.

Sick Dog, Taschen’s “Book of Symbols”, 2010.